Love is an emotional rollercoaster. It’s hard work to maintain a romantic relationship, and sometimes, heartbreak is unavoidable. It is not surprising that you stop believing in love when you go through a difficult breakup. The emotional distress you experience can lead you to blame yourself, struggle with feelings of self-worth, or even shut yourself off completely from love.
But this is not the solution. The breakup might be very painful, but only when you open your heart again will you be able to love and be loved. Here are a few tips to help you rise in love again after a rough breakup.
6 Ways to Rise in Love After a Break-Up
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
— Marilyn Monroe
1. Don’t let self-doubt take over
No matter how bad your breakup was, you should never let it harm your self-esteem. Sometimes things just weren’t right, but it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. It’s easy to feel inadequate and worthless, but you need to reclaim your self-worth and feel right about the other areas in your life. When it comes to love, it’s hard to be rational, but don’t allow the harsh words and insults to crush you. You are stronger than that! So, fight any negativity and be more compassionate towards yourself.
2. Release the past and love in the present
One bad match or messy breakup should not mean you put your walls up for every other boy or girl that comes along. You will not encounter another person who is just like your ex, so you might as well get over them and stop comparing others with him or her. Unless you release the past, you will never get close to another person. Don’t misjudge others because of one bad experience. Let go of the memories, and build a desire to find someone new. Be more open to what exists now. Give the present a chance, and you will be surprised how refreshing it can be.
3. Love again, but without expectations
When you go back out there to love after a breakup, you should avoid having any expectations. Because often, when we try to control what happens in a relationship — when you try to move at a certain pace, or to get your partner to behave the way you want — you will ultimately ruin the relationship. Instead, try to surrender yourself and let life lead the way. That way, you don’t need to worry about disappointments and will be happy with things just the way they are.
4. Surround yourself with uplifting spirits
One way to rise again in love after a tough breakup is by establishing a no-negativity zone. Remove all the negative energy around you, whether it’s people who bring you down or things that make you feel bad about yourself. Say no to unwanted obligations and unnecessary commitments or dull activities. Learn to say no to your ex if he or she tries to pull you back into the dysfunctional relationship. Be with people who support you and bring out the best in you. Engage in fun activities and bring bliss back into your life. Do what you enjoy, with people you enjoy doing them with.
5. Learn from your past relationship
Your past relationship might not have worked, but that does not mean you cannot learn anything from it. You can take tips from your experience and cultivate more love and compassion for yourself and towards others. Be kinder to others, and you will see it serves as a great self-esteem booster. Connect with others and spread love, and it will be returned to you. You will experience self-acceptance, compassion, and confidence, and it will help you grow as a person.
6. Forgive, forget, and heal
Finally, if you want to move on, you should forgive your ex and not hold on to any grudges. Your relationship might have failed, but there were good times too. Don’t cling to the pain and heartache it caused you both. Let it go. It is the right thing to do, and it will help you forget the pain and regret. You can now focus on the future. Doing good things for yourself will let you heal faster and keep you in a happy space.
READ: The Beauty of Broken Hearts: Learning to Love and Heal Your Inner Wounds
It’s easy to dwell in negativity and complain after a breakup, but when you use that time to reflect on your positive qualities, it is more likely that you will attract the right person in future relationships. Celebrate being single for a while to appreciate life and focus on what you are grateful for. You will surely find the right person next time around.
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Nisha is passionate about writing and loves to share her thoughts with the world. She has written many articles on yoga, fitness, wellness, remedies, and beauty. She is a regular contributor to StyleCraze.com and a few other websites.
There are few experiences as demoralizing as a being dumped. Heartbreak is bad enough without feeling a little stupid for loving someone who has decided that he’s better off without you. The worst thing about being broken up with is knowing that the other person has already imagined a whole other life. And now that he’s gone, you’ll be forced to do the same while he’s already miles ahead emotionally.
Thankfully, it’s possible to emerge from a breakup feeling triumphant, despite being the one broken up with. Here’s how to walk out of the experience with your dignity intact.
1. Don’t post mean or passive-aggressive remarks about him on social media
If you’ve been keeping up with local gossip, you’ll know that infamous Malaysian sex blogger couple “Alvivi” (Alvin Tan and Vivian Lee) apparently split up after Alvin posted on Facebook that Vivian had cheated on him. He also posted a picture of himself with another woman, captioning it “replacement found.” A few days later, Vivian pleaded on her Facebook page that he take her back. While Alvin and Vivian’s openness about their sex life might suggest that they’ve moved beyond caring about normal standards of dignity, they’ve since received tons of criticism from netizens asking why anyone cares. The principle stands with the rest of us: no matter how badly he treated you, or how sad you feel, posting bitter statuses about it will only make you look cowardly, immature, and deprived of attention.
Dignified alternative: Imagine how you’ll feel five years from now while reading the passive-aggressive status that you’re about to post. Will you feel justified in your venting? Or will you feel embarrassed? If you’ve got a problem with the other person, say it to him directly.
2. On the other hand, don’t post lovey-dovey statuses about your ex online in hope that he’ll feel nostalgic and take you back
“It’s been 8 months, but watching the Oscars will always remind me of you <3”
“No matter how hard I try, no matter how many people I meet, no one will replace the one I just lost.”
“I can’t tell my mind to stop loving you when my heart still does.”
Sorry guys, these remarks not only make you look delusional, but they’re not very effective. Neediness isn’t attractive. Confidence is. While it’s tempting to post statuses like these so that your ex knows you’re still available should he ever change his mind, you’re going to feel even worse if he finds someone new before you do.
Dignified alternative: It’s sad, and a little scary, to get over someone we love. Without that person around, our memories are all we have. But there’s a thin line between tragic and pathetic, and we draw it at romanticizing someone who committed the awful act of breaking your heart. So instead of posting about how much you miss him, post things that show you’re better off. You don’t have to be mean about it, but replacing an “I’m so sad” status with photos of yourself windsurfing or brunching with friends will do wonders for your confidence (and attractiveness!).
3. Don’t stalk him
Driving around outside his house, haunting his favourite restaurants, and obsessing over the girls in his Facebook photos makes you look psychotic and clingy. What’s the point, anyway? He’s more likely to freak out than feel happy to see you. When someone breaks up with you, you should fight for yourself, not fight for a relationship that’s pretty much one-sided.
Dignified alternative: Defriend him on Facebook and unfollow him on Instagram to minimize the temptation to stalk.
4. Don’t write him “the post-breakup letter” or have continuous “post-breakup closure talks”
The sad truth about breakups is that there’s always going to be something left unsaid. You’ll have all these questions after he breaks up with you. You’ll have thoughts about why things fell apart a month after he’s said he’s done talking with you. Lots of people write a post-breakup letter as a final stab to get the last word. Others initiate post-breakup talks just for closure or peace of mind. But the more you talk, and the more information you fish out of him, the more hurt you’ll feel that he kept all these thoughts from you while you were dating.
Dignified alternative: Close that chapter of your life. You can demand closure from another person, but it’s really only something you can find within yourself. By prolonging your breakup talk, you’re showing that he’s the one in control of your recovery. You don’t need his answers to move on. What you really need is the courage and endurance to spend the next few months learning to live with those uncertainties.
5. Don’t rebound date someone who looks exactly like him
On the one hand, maybe you have a physical type. On the other hand, you might still be so in love with your ex, that you date alternate versions of him because it’s the closest you’ll get to the real thing. Doing so might feel romantic, but to others (and your ex, if he ever finds out), it just seems creepy.
Dignified alternative: We know one too many people who decided that they only date people of a certain race just because that’s what their ex was. We’re not saying that you need go completely out of the box, or reject guys who look like your ex, but don’t put his physical attributes on a pedestal. While it might be easier to stick with what’s familiar – or even to purposely date the same type of guy to rectify what went wrong with the previous one – you’re letting your previous relationship determine who you date.
6. Don’t continue to email and SMS him even after he’s told you to stop
No means no. He’s said that he needs a clean break, but you insist on emailing him every few months to ask how he is – and when he doesn’t reply, you feel hurt. You’re heartbroken when he ignores your Christmas greeting, you’re crushed when he’s silent on your birthday, and yet you continue contacting him, asking that you keep in touch with the “big things” in each other’s lives.
Dignified alternative: This one’s pretty easy: do what he says and stop writing him! Why would you want to keep in touch with someone who’s flat out said that he wants you out of his life? Our time on earth is short as it is. Make room for the people who can really commit. For all you know, the poor guy’s trying to get over you, so you might as well let him try.
7. Don’t drunk dial or text him
On a related note, it’s far too easy to lose control of your phone in a moment of weakness. One “I miss u, plz take me back” SMS can undo months of hard work when you’re trying to move on or show that you’re better off without him.
Dignified alternative: Either delete his number from your phone, or give your phone to a friend when you go out drinking.
8. Don’t act like the victim
It’s easy to act like the victim when someone breaks up with you. You feel sorry for yourself, you blame him for ruining your life, and you cry because it seems like the universe is against you. You’re unlovable, you’re bad at relationships, and you’re going to die alone.
Dignified alternative: Take responsibility for the parts where you were wrong, and then forgive the other person for his misdeeds. As the old adage goes, forgiveness releases him AND you from all that suffering. Take note of how you talk about the breakup as well. Instead of saying “I was dumped,” keep it to “we went our separate ways” or “he wasn’t right for me.” You have as much agency in the relationship, and in this life, as he did.